During the last few months I have so often wanted to sit down and write that it has almost been a physical ache. The “paralysis” would kick in and there I would sit, fearful in many ways that the words that I might write would be of no value to anyone. There were times when I’d sit to write and be able to do nothing but sit with tears running down my face. In my lifetime I have never been through the kind of tough times that I have been going through recently. I couldn’t bring myself to write pieces of “fluff” because that wasn’t what life was all about then. It was about pain and struggle and questioning…and eventually learning and strength and peace and joy and faith and friendship and love.
My other concern was that my words (IF they ever came to be transferred to this blog) might cause more worry for my mother and my daughter who are two of my most loyal supporters in life AND on my blog. It isn’t as if they didn’t know what has been going on for I have shared it all with them every step of the way, painful though it may have been. As a result, those relationships have deepened in ways that I couldn’t have imagined possible. It’s my hope that they both feel the same way too.
For so many years I was the one who always seemed to manage to land on her feet in a way that seemed to most people to be effortless. What words could I write that would be of any value to anyone else when I was in actuality finding it difficult to maintain a steady balance?
I wish I could tell you that the struggles are over. They are not. The financial problems abound. The house must be sold sooner than planned. The items that were not kept or put in storage have been sold at auction. I’ve had to learn to swallow my pride and accept and seek help from places and people I would never have thought I’d have to go to as there is no money coming in.
Woe is me??? Not a chance! Oh sure, there’s a small pity party every once in awhile which is only human.
Now there’s a different spin on it though with stories and lessons not just for me but for all who might happen onto these pages.
For I wasn’t the one who paralyzed my voice for these months. I firmly believe it was God who stilled the words until I could learn the lessons He had in mind for me. Only then did HE give me back my voice. And He’s still got more for me to learn.
I sat outside last night scanning the dark country skies for the remnants of a meteor shower. As I sat gazing up at the heavens, I was overwhelmed by the number of stars in the sky… small pinholes of light that I’ve always thought of as windows to Heaven… a reminder that the greatest of hope and love resides behind those lights. He chose to remind me last night that THAT is my reward with a voice that said “Now go and share it with others so that no matter what the struggles on Earth, they might know. For even in the fluff, I am there.”
May the words of my heart and the meditations of my soul be acceptable in Thy sight!