In the jumble of days there has been soooo much busyness. There is so much to do and everyone seems to want a piece of me. And here I am trying to get it all done NOW if not yesterday, as Prue so wisely pointed out yesterday. There has not been one moment when I have just truly been by myself (perhaps I’ve been avoiding it) until yesterday.
I went to the doctor yesterday for the first pap since my surgery in April. I can’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve done that every 3 months for the last 12 years, only to hear the doctor tell me it was abnormal again whether it be pre-cancer or something unknown. Another procedure, more waiting, more tests, more fear. I began to expect the word “abnormal”…. I wasn’t disappointed. I knew I’d have to continue having paps after my surgery, but I rejoiced in the thought that I’d never again have to fear the word “abnormal” or the test results and the WAITING!
I think I was a little bit overconfidant. After about 5 minutes of sitting in the office with that oh-so-dignified sheet strategically draped over me, I felt the first wave… and then the tears. Before I knew it, every uncertainty… every fear I’ve had over the past months came boiling to the surface to the point of feeling like I was going to drown. Where I’d seemingly dealt with them (even though most of the times I think it meant squashing those feelings down), thinking that I’d kicked them to the curb, it became obvious that I hadn’t.
I find it difficult to understand where all that fear came from out of the blue. And I realized something…
I’m human! Because I am, I will fear.
And because He IS…. I don’t have to.