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The past week has been a rollercoaster, causing my thoughts to whirl in a thousand different directions encompassing a million different emotions… fear, relief, uncertainty, selfishness along with many others.  And despite the fact that I am 51 years old, the “I need to talk to my mom NOW” factor.

For after 15 years of failing every pap test known to womankind and undergoing more “procedures” to try and correct the situation, the doctor called me with words that I knew would eventually come and for which I thought I was prepared for.  I can keep going through these procedures every three months or I can have a hysterectomy.  There was no question as to what my choice was.  I WILL be having the surgery… no second thoughts, no hesitation.  And despite that, the floodgates of emotions opened.

At least 6 weeks off work?  Am I leaving them hanging out to dry?  Will I be able to manage at least 6 weeks of recuperation and relative inactivity without going totally nutso?  After so many years of taking care of myself, can I gracefully accept help from the friends who will be there every step of the way?  Can I afford the medical bills that will certainly follow despite the insurance?

And a bit of sorrow, for I will be losing that precious place where my daughter grew and was nurtured for 10 months until she made her glorious debut into the world.

Yet with it all come many positive things… I will never again have to buy “feminine products” nor will I have to go through another uterine/cervical biopsy, LIEP, or cryofreezing…I will have time to bury myself in reading and painting and designing…I’ll be able to sit on the porch and bask in the sunshine and watch the squirrels and rabbits and play with the dogs… I’ll be able to relax (if I can!)

And I face it with a positiveness that comes from knowing that my God is with me.  His Hand on my shoulder. 

Loving…

Guiding….

Protecting.

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